Awakening & Deconditioning: Becoming Who I Really Am
I never fit in—not as a kid, not as a teenager, not even now, honestly.
From the very beginning, life felt like a puzzle with missing pieces. I watched people move through the world like they had the manual, and I was just…wrong. I wasn’t smart, didn’t know the rules, and that made me a target. Bullied. Alone. The “nobody.” That was the story I swallowed for years: I was here to be used, hated, and worked to the bone. No deeper purpose. No light at the end.
That sense of not belonging followed me everywhere—family, school, work, even so-called spiritual spaces.
My first “awakening” wasn’t spiritual—it was conspiratorial.
I started questioning the world around me, poking holes in the surface-level stories. But even then, I didn’t understand spirituality or identity. I just knew something was off. I believed I was a mistake, a problem nobody could name but everyone seemed to punish.
Looking back, even the detours—the rabbit holes, the wrong turns—were part of the path. Every step, even the messy ones, brought me closer to myself.
Then, in the summer of 2025, everything changed.
Someone entered my life who shook the core of my beliefs—my twin flame. That meeting cracked open everything I thought I knew about myself and reality. (We’ll go deeper into this in the relationships and self-trust chapter, because that story deserves its own space.)
Letting go? I didn’t rage. I just wondered why.
Why does everyone want to hurt me? What’s so wrong with me? Nobody ever explained. I carried that pain for decades, just trying to survive and make sense of it.
But then something cracked open.
I started to sense—maybe for the first time—that I was more than the pain. That my soul, my energy, was real. At 38, I finally began to see myself. The truth? Every person who hurt me, every story I absorbed, shaped a version of me that wasn’t mine. I let them create my identity. But that’s not the real story.
The real story is this: I’m different, and that’s my power.
I’m learning—slowly, awkwardly, beautifully—to accept who I am. Not a victim, not a mistake. Becoming. Finally.
What’s helped?
It’s not some perfect spiritual routine. It’s breathwork. Meditation. Cold plunges that shock me awake and remind me I’m alive. It’s the small, gritty, daily choices to feel instead of numb out.
If I could speak to the old me?
I’d tell him: You’re not broken. You just wanted to be loved.
The new me is love. And now, I just want to feel that loving connection—real, raw, honest—with someone who sees me.
This is just the beginning.
Learning about spirituality, simulation theory, and the truth that my thoughts and emotions shape my reality—that’s the next chapter. I spent years lost in conspiracy theories, searching for answers outside myself, but the real transformation began when I started feeling my emotions and reclaiming my inner world. That journey—into inner power, nervous system healing, and trauma pattern release—is where the real magic started to unfold.
If you’re reading this and you feel like you don’t belong—welcome. You’re not alone. This is a story we’re building together.